I'm free

You are too

Sometimes we just need someone to say it.

So you my friend, you are free.... let yourself go.

I''ll meet you at the dance party.

My hearts kinda pounding with this weird excitement. The kind were you feel like you're living through someone else.

I just got back from the cpa... I went to watch Colleen audition for her concierto (sp). Oh my goodness. We all know that she's a musician, but I wish you all really understood her ability. I live with this girl. I hear her practice and play for fun, but tonight. Tonight I was blown away. She came out with a pianist. No one really noticed her though. Colleen looked professional and beautiful. Immediately the audience in this huge auditorium went silent and she began to play.

This is pointless words don't do it justice. To be honest I wish everyone who has ever known Colleen could have been there. Talent, discipline, skill and beauty oozed out of her. If she doesn't win the judges are ridiculous. I'm not just being biased. The really beautiful thing is that she's ok with not winning. She feels blessed to have had the opportunity to perform.

Man. What a lesson in following dreams.

That's all. I mostly wanted to brag about the wonderful gal I live with.

Alright team. We're getting pumped, ready for a new semester. Can you take the challenge?

I'm hoping hard that I can. I get to take some 100 level art classes woot woot which will aid the getting into the art program process...

Looking back on the last couple months of my life... what a blur. I mean, a blur. A messy, upsetting, hard, growing wonderful blur. That wonderful isn't a sarcastic one, there were a many of beautiful occurances and events and learning processes.

I feel like all of my sentances have been quite awkward, it fits, I might try to keep it up. We'll call it artistic poor writing intentionally. My spelling errors are on purpose too.

Tangent, tangent.

For a while I think I was lost. Lost in depression, confusion, ah where do I go how do I fix this mindset.

Yeah I'm still confused. But do you know what's exciting? I'm being restored. I'm happy again. I feel free.

I've been broken before. God healed me pretty quick though. Like, um, OVERNIGHT. I mean he can do anything... This time though, he's like "Ok, I built your endurance, your stanima, your strength lets go captain, show me what you got". So I'm showing him. A day at a time. We're sorting through stuff and training for life. I like it. I'm watching my life come back together like watching a puzzle magically put itself together... but then you realize it's not magic, it's your own hands. Ok so that doesn't realllllly happen, but I'm tired and wanted some sort of illustration.

                       I'm writing.   Writing poorly, but writing.

I'm coming back to who I am. Writing. Writing all the time. filling pages and pages. just to write, to reflect.

happiness is a pursuit eh? I'm trying. It's working.

Who 'we are'... it s a pursuit too. Who are you trying to be? Who do you claim to be?

Today I'm a writer and a thinker and a art history buff with an emphasis on impressionalism. (Monet, Turner, Suerat, Pissaro... all of which I may have spelled wrong... ps I love Turner, and Monet. They might be my favorites for the time being.) I'm a follower of Jesus. And I, I am  a person who is broken time and time again because I live in a broken world. You know what I learned? The one thought that changed EVERYTHING?

I CAN'T compete with the world.

Think about it a little bit. You can try to compete, but it'll never be enough. You have to be and you have to choose happiness of who you are RIGHT now in every way. If you don't, no matter how HARD you try to change you wont be happy. Don't say you need to fix yourself, dont let yourself believe that you need to be fixed. Just be and find happiness in who you are and then walk to be more like Jesus. Aim to be more like Jesus. Strive to be more like Jesus. Pursue being more like Jesus. The parts of you that you always hated suddenly are less intense. Who you are is suddenly easier to like. Life isn't easier, but you learn something. All you can do is walk to be more like Jesus. Life's richer, more beautiful, harder, more fulfilling... 

   A day at a time.

I think we can take the challenge. A new semester. a fresh start. an open door... freedom, it's calling us.

I miss my summer in the woods with Angie and Josh.

Rather than missing it I feel like it was this made up story I told you all. All of the pictures are posed. I look back and the thought of when that happened seems so long ago. I wonder how you Dagupan kids feel.

Life is this collection of moments and once they're gone you can look back and grab at them. If you happen to actually catch one it feels so nice in your hands until it gets away again. I wish I knew how to embrace each moment better. To truly cherish my days, my relationships, my time. I'm only at ISU for a little while. Someday I'll look back at pictures and have to convince myself it really did happen.

The voices though. The voices of every experience and every person are so strong. The voices are what we don't notice and that's because they shape us silently (what?). How many phrases do I consistantly say that stemmed from my summer in Newaygo? I may not hold every memory but the experience as a whole shaped who I am right now. It molded parts of my heart, and my laugh, and my thoughts. I'll never be the same.

Because of you too, I'll never be the same. Kiera, Ben Miller, Seth, Karen, Breanna... anyone else who reads this that I know. How crazy is that. You're assisting in shaping me and maybe me to you even if we don't intend to. Remember when I grunted all the time and then all of the sudden everyone grunted. Point proven. Or something.  What I'm saying is lets be active in the fact that we have a voice in the lives of those we care about. What do you want to offer? I do a childrens ministry. How cool is that? How scary is that? What if I stub my toe and out of my mouth falls 'cuss balls' (I started saying that because of this summer, I'm sorry its vulgar.) Then little Daniel or Emma or Brennan or Levi goes home and says "cuss balls!"

Man God trusts us. He knows we impact each other. He knows we learn from each other. Lets live a life worthy  of the callings that we have received. Goodness... what would that REALLY look like?... a life worthy? Goodness. I want to step up and half the time I don't know how. I want more than anything to be righteous and I'm always failing. Does that mean we should stop striving? Fighting the challenge? Life IS a challenge. I learned that this year. I will fight, and fight hard until I die. Because I love God, but also because I love you.

People have been asking my major a lot lately. It's like the second family question of gatherings. first is usually "sooo do you have a boyyyyfrieeend?" And they all like Andres so we've moved on to school.

I'm studying life. I say cuss balls to what my major is. (That's the last time, I know that is a swear too, I'm sorry world. I'm trying... tame the tongue... making myself worthy)

   In this quest to understand life I say we all take a step back and remember we're free. Go climb a tree, play a song and sing loud, paint a picture, write just to write, do math if you're one of those people... do something     you enjoy. Live intentionally but also beautifully. Lets never lose track of who we are so much that we cease to wonder. There is so much to do and see and think. Lets go! Be free so your silent voice tells others that they can be free too! Don't let the world hold you down. Dance.

PS this includes relaxing. I watched hours of Gilmore Girls last night and I felt like I was embracing life. I'll fight you on it if you want. Relaxing. Breathing deep. By a fire. With blankets. Enjoying the fact that I CAN relax. Mm.

I like writing with no clear point in mind. This is the way my brain works. You, if anyone reads this at all, get to follow the mass of crazys inside my head.

llama llama llama llama COW llama llama llama llama MOO llama